im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
whose parrot is this?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
