Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
