What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
