I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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