Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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