My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
