you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
