Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am mentally ready for anal.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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