Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
