Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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