do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
