I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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