Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
