No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
