Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
