Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
