Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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