Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
