The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
