Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
