you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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