You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
