He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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