ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
