Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
