I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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