My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
