you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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