Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
