you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
