I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
