Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
