Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
