so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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