At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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