I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
