i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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