Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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