i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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