I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
