I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
