my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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