Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
