where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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