There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
where are my eyebrows?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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