If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
