I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
