Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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