I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
