This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
